A Christmas Miracle

I recall, not so long ago, being frustrated about the absence of miracles in my life.  I thought that as a Believer, I should experience and witness miracles on a regular basis, but that just wasn’t the case.  I was missing out, missing wonder and missing joy.

A year and a half ago I entered into counseling, specifically because of a horrible break-up that I just could not move past.  I made up my mind going into it that I would be vulnerable and transparent.  I learned very quickly that one of the keys to recovery was to dive into the grief, and boy, did I ever do that.  I got an A+ in grief class.  I cried out to God on a regular basis, pleading with Him to rescue me from my suffering.  Out of sheer exhaustion, I started to examine my childhood upbringing and saw how it led to making some poor choices.  For the record, I love my parents deeply and I may or may not have been a challenge to raise.  I made note of every skewed thought that didn’t line up with what I knew to be true about God and how He loves us.  Intellectually, I got it, and believed everything I read in the Bible about God’s love, but I wondered if really feeling that love in your heart was an experience reserved for others.  For a very long time I felt like God had abandoned me and I wasn’t really sure if I could trust Him enough to completely surrender to Him.

I don’t exactly know how or when it occurred, but God redeemed my life.   There have been many revelations and lessons along the way and I believe that God revealed them to me not randomly, but as I was ready and according to His purpose.  I learned that judgment (of myself and of others) was a prevailing problem for me and when I learned to approach things without any preconceived ideas, it felt as if a toxin was eliminated from my body, leaving me with a powerful clarity.  Through my own pain, I instinctively became more compassionate towards others who are suffering.  I’ve always been a generous person, but I learned what it meant to be selfless, and how selflessness brings about beautiful and Christ-glorifying experiences and relationships.  I set proper boundaries that helped guard my heart and eliminate chaos in my life.  I identified my core values and stay true to them by basing all of my decisions on those values, becoming increasingly happy and fulfilled.  Through all of these things, I found in my heart a genuine spirit of thankfulness and realized that all of it is a manifestation of God’s love for me.  This is Christ living in me and I’m just beginning to see how magnetic that is, all for God’s glory, not mine.

I see miracles all the time now.   Nature and our bodies are miracles.  Science, beautiful music, art and medicine are miracles.  The idea that a Man, who was also God, willingly took His place on a cross to die an agonizing death for me, yet defeated death once and for all by way of a Resurrection, is a humbling miracle that I think about daily.  God  took a woman full of shame, self-loathing, anger and bitterness, restored her dignity and lovingly guided her to a place where she could see her identity and purpose.  She is bold and thankful and fearless and beautiful.  Her story is a miracle.

Enough about me, I think.  Starting with my next post, I'm officially turning Lost My Mind And Found My Purpose into a blog primarily about food.  Talking and writing about food, after all...it's beauty, it's preparation, it's enjoyment... is pretty much my purpose.

Stay tuned!

The Dating Game

Since I'm a child of the 60s and 70s, some of you may be unfamiliar with the references in this post.  But the dating phenomenon is something that most people can identify with and as you read this you might find those feelings of loathing, dread and anxiety resurface as you reflect on your former (and maybe even present) dating years.  I hope so anyway, because I'd feel pretty silly if those were feelings that were exclusively mine.  I also know that many of you reading this will be thankful that because you've found your spouse or significant other, you're no longer subject to suffering through first date jitters, deciding if and when to pick up the phone and call, determining if you could see yourself accepting his/her appreciation of Linkin Park (i could NOT), and forcing yourself not to think about the idea of your date-of-the-week being "The One."

Remember that show, The Dating Game, a Chuck Barris (game show genius) production hosted by the handsome Jim Lange?  Man, I used to love that show and watched it faithfully as a tween.  The male contestants on the show were dreamy and the girls were groovy, sweet and coy, plus the show had that snazzy Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass theme song that was my notification to come running to the living room when I heard it playing on the television. The whole thing just made me happy and I even got to see some of my favorite celebrities on the show.  Michael Jackson, The Brady Bunch characters and Sally Field are a few that I recall. 

Here's how it worked.  The male or female looking for love would ask a series of questions to three contestants that were hidden behind a big flowery wall.  Some of the questions were provocative, some of them were just plain silly.  At the end of the show, the contestant doing the questioning would choose one of the three behind the wall for a fabulous date, compliments of the show.  One by one, the three hidden contestants would be revealed and introduced to the one seeking love and it was always entertaining seeing the reactions.

I always felt sorry for the people who made the wrong choice and it was a bit uncomfortable witnessing the unmistakable disappointment when their date was revealed.  But some dates were just meant to be!  They hugged and gazed fondly into each others eyes and at the end of the show prior to being whisked off for a weekend in Puerto Vallarta, everyone involved blew all of us at home a big kiss goodbye.  I knew the sad losers walked away with their American Tourister Luggage consolation prize and never gave them a second thought because I was too busy imagining the newly introduced couple frolicking in the Mexican sun.  It was just so stinkin' brilliant and in some way it shaped my ideas on romance and dating.  What a pity.  Maybe.

Fast forward 40 years (yikes!) and I find myself in my own dating game again.  It's certainly not a game, but there's some strategy involved in working out priorities and deciding on an approach.  A few select friends are on the lookout for me and I recently made the decision to dip my toe back into internet dating again.  I'm hoping that my lack of expectations, my semi-nonchalantness and redirected focus will provide some interesting results.  Don't get me wrong.  It's not that I don't care.  I'm just so content with who I am right now as a single woman and so happy with every part of my life that finding my one and only is a bit further down my to do list than it once was.  I think that's a swell place to be, don't you?  Here's an analogy.  It would be like landing a better job when you're content with the job you already have instead of desperately searching for one when you're fed up with your current job or unemployed.  The addition of a few good dates, a companion or my forever partner down the road would be the proverbial icing on the cake.  The fudgy frosting on a big, fat, moist and dense, chocolate cake.

Internet dating reminds me of the show, The Dating Game, because there are a lot of unknowns, missed opportunities and per chance occurrences.  If you have no experience in this arena, I'm here to tell you that it can be an overwhelming, albeit humorous activity.  First, you have to fill out your profile, which is a daunting and arduous task.  How much do I want to reveal?  Do I take the humorous approach, the Christian approach, the superficial or transparent approach?  I certainly want potential suitors to get as much of a true picture of me as possible so I let my words reflect all of those elements, without revealing too much.  That's for down the road if and when I actually meet someone in person and start to develop a friendship.

With the click of a button, you're published, out there, naked, and then the floodgates open.  The matches, the winks, the icebreakers, the likes...agghhh!  It's all so much and I wonder how the manipulators (first word that came to mind so I went with it) of the site determine who to send my way.  I'm just going to go ahead and put this out there.  I judge.  I know, I know, I know...I should keep an open mind, but I confess that I'm a judger.  Your favorite musician is Michael Buble?  No.  Your favorite movie is Rambo?  No.  I have nothing against this movie, but if it's his favorite movie then obviously he is not a thinker.  Duh.  Your vacation destination of choice is Walt Disney World?  No.  One of your favorite pastimes is hunting?  Mmmm, probably not.  You have a cat?  Nope.  Your favorite restaurant is The Olive Garden?  Not a chance.  You're a huge NASCAR fan?  Awww, hell to the nah!  Any one of these character flaws is grounds for immediate disqualification in my book, and if I'm being honest, I don't know that I can change that part of me.  I'm joking.  Partly.  Please don't miss the fact that I completely understand that these judgements reveal more about me than they do any date, companion and/or boyfriend candidates.  God help me, for real. 

Speaking of God, I'm going to get to the moral of the story and wrap this up.  I mentioned being really content with my current circumstances and that is absolutely, 100 percent the truth.  I like the idea of having a husband and I suppose I would go so far to say that I hope I have one some day.  However.  I have learned, finally, that it is imperative to wait on God.  I used the phrase "finding my one and only" above, but that's not my approach at all.  I will wait, and if it be His will, He will prepare the absolute most perfect husband for me (while He is preparing me for him), and when he is ready, he will find me.  The very thought of it just thrills me.

The idea that God gives me my identity, knows me to my core and loves me so much that He will always provide me with His very best for me is a truth that gives me an unshakable peace.  He can and will bless me with a companion, a partner, a leader and a husband if He determines it is best for me and in that union, He will be glorified.  He may determine that it's in my best interest to live a life of contented singleness, knowing that I will enjoy my independence and freedom while using my opportunities to bear much fruit.  For the very first time in my life, I know that I will be abundantly happy with His choice for me.  My life is enormously blessed and fulfilling now, and undoubtedly will be to the end of my days.

I'm getting such a kick out of blogging and I really appreciate you taking the time to read my blog.  The feedback has been overwhelmingly positive and encouraging, but I've been told that I'm not posting often enough.  Maybe not.  But I know that next time I'd like to talk about one of my greatest passions.  Food!

Stay tuned!

Oh look!  It's Farrah before the feathers, Ah-nold before The Terminator and The Governator, a young Michael Jackson and the pre-Three's Company, wacky exercise contraption endorsing Suzanne Somers, all on The Dating Game!

Injustice, Shame, Grief and Other Fun Life Experiences

I fell in love a couple years ago.  It was pretty awesome.  OK, truthfully, it was beyond my wildest imagination in every way.

There was this man, we'll call him Brandon Chapman, who came into my life unexpectedly at the beginning of 2010.  I came home from work one Friday to find a Facebook request from Brandon and it took me several minutes to recall the name.  What a surprise to remember that  we were a "casual item" 20 years earlier when we were crazy 20-somethings.  We spent some time catching up and Brandon had lots of questions about how I'd spent my last 2 decades and what I had going on at the time, particularly in the area of relationships.

After a few days of communicating, it was clear that we had some compatibility and a strong mental connection.  Brandon expressed a desire to see me.  He was separated from his wife of 14 years with two children and lived 3 hours away, so "apprehensive" only slightly describes my thoughts at the time.  I expressed my concerns, explained my wish to be in a committed, monogamous relationship leading to marriage and how I didn't want to be distracted from getting there.  Brandon said that he understood and his convincing pursuit continued.  Every day and night we spent hours chatting online and talking on the phone into the early morning.  We were hitting it off so well that I agreed to see him.  A week later, he was in town and I was not prepared for the chemistry and magnetism between us.  It was intense, powerfully intimate, beyond magical, beautiful in every way and something I'd never experienced.  His attention, wonder and adoration of me was extremely seductive.  At the very least, I was enchanted and captivated.

Brandon continued to pursue me and kept coming back for long weekends.  You know how it's new and you just can't get enough of each other?  Yeah, it was like that.  It felt like we were attached ... mind, body and soul, and he never hesitated to tell me how he felt about me.  He met friends and neighbors immediately and the "I love yous" were exchanged after only a month or so.  Shortly after that, Brandon told me that he wanted to move to Atlanta with his children by the end of the summer.  He led the way in moving our relationship forward and the bond between us became stronger with each visit.  He started looking for work here, we looked at  houses,  researched schools for his kids and talked about engagement rings, wedding plans and how the name "Lisa Chapman" had a nice ring to it.  He attended and enjoyed church with me, accompanied me to a friend's wedding, met co-workers, participated in neighborhood activities, gave me his parents' phone number in case of an emergency and fit beautifully into my circle of friends, who were all so happy for us.  All of our time together was spent talking about and preparing for our future...about what our life would look like and how we couldn't wait for that time.  And sex.  There was lots of sex ... couldn't keep his hands off of me, that one.  Everything was perfect.

Close to a year into the relationship, Brandon dropped a bomb on me over the phone while he was working a job in another state.  The details aren't important, but it was a significant setback in our plans.  At the end of the conversation, he assured me that he loved me and wanted to be with me.  I was disappointed, but accepted it as just another hurdle in the process of building our life together.  I didn't lose much sleep that first night, but had no idea how drastically my life was about to change.  I couldn't have known that the last time we'd seen each other a few weeks prior would be the last time I'd ever see him.

Brandon disappeared.  For 6 weeks.  No chatting online, no response to texts and no answering or returning phone calls.  I received the occasional cryptic and confusing text from him saying he was "in a bad place" or "confused" or "not himself", but never a solid explanation of what was going on.  I desperately tried to engage him in any kind of communication and my attempts were largely ignored.  I had no idea what was happening other than that I knew I was devastated.  All of this took place a few days before Thanksgiving, followed by my birthday, Christmas and New Year's and during an extremely demanding time on the job.  I'm sure you can imagine the type of birthday and holiday season I had that year.

Brandon eventually called me and we started to talk things out, but it was a slow and frustrating process.  It was clear that the feelings were still there, but I always felt like I wasn't getting the whole story from him.  After about a month of sporadic communication, it seemed like there was a possibility that things might work out for us after all.  But soon after, the bottom fell out.  Because I didn't believe I was getting straight answers from him I made the degrading choice to go into recon mode and begin my online investigation.  Pictures, friendships and comments started appearing on Facebook.  Nothing I was seeing was lining up with what Brandon was telling me and I learned that he was involved with a woman in his home state and a woman from his current state in addition to still being married.  Anger and confusion settled in, so defeated, I backed off.

The name of my blog...?  This is when I entered the "Lost My Mind" phase.  To make a long story less long, I'm going to spare you the majority of the gory details and events of the last year, but trust me when I tell you that it was the most painful time of my life.  A year ago I was on the verge of a mental breakdown, started therapy with an amazing Christian counselor and at the end of my wits a couple months later, told Brandon, "This is good-bye."  For some peculiar reason, that didn't sit well with him and he continued to contact me every couple weeks by text or email and even via a YouTube video that my friend posted of my dog, all while he was still married and involved with the woman from his current city.  I was observing behavior that I was extremely uncomfortable with (ya think?!?), ignored his advances and set up boundaries I was irritated to have to build.  I took steps to prevent him from reaching me ... unfriending, blocking (beware of the guy that sets up a dummy profile to view your page), unlinking, unfollowing and unsubscribing from him and his friends, and getting my friends who were connected to him to do the same.  Even after everything that happened ... after everything he'd done, he persisted and found a way to get through to me, on Words With Friends of all places.  I wasn't prepared for that ambush and 4 months after my first good-bye, I briefly got sucked back into old ways.  I was mistakenly hopeful that he was remorseful and wanted to apologize.

Very quickly, it became evident that his behavior (and character) hadn't changed one bit, there was no remorse and that he had no intention of apologizing.  As if his original path of destruction wasn't severe enough, he made another attempt to cause even further damage.  This man, who the year prior turned my life upside down, nuked the bridge between us and left acid rain all over the place was apparently not finished having his way with me.  I'd taken steps to block and ignore all communication with him, strategically setting up boundaries, yet he was intent on crashing right through them.  When confronted, he glossed over his inability to get a divorce, downplayed his involvement with his current girlfriend ("we talk, we've gone out, that's about it") and told me that he missed me and thought of me every day.  Since I'd previously discovered that there was no way I could ever believe anything he said to be true, I saw right through the deceit and into his sickness and was able put a stop to the communication. 

What the hell was that? 

I don't know if it's possible for you to imagine the agony of that experience or the questions that I asked myself and asked of God.  I was robbed of my dignity, suffered an emotional raping accompanied by mountains of shame and questioned everything I'd ever trusted and knew to be true.  In the last year I've gone through each of those wretched seven stages of grief at least three times and turned myself inside out to get to the bottom of the emotions.  I looked my grief dead in the eye, befriended it, rolled around with it and put it in its place, little by little.  It's been the most exhausting year of my life and not many a day has gone by that I haven't asked God, "Why didn't you protect me from this man?"

You should know that I spent a fair amount of time repenting, asking God for forgiveness, accepting His forgiveness and forgiving myself.  I'm not comfortable playing the victim role, at least not for too long, and I know that I had an opportunity to prevent all of this from happening had I been more discerning.  I'm a Christian, yet I sacrificed my beliefs and standards and made the choice to get emotionally and physically intimate with a man who was still married.  The guilt was overwhelming and there was no excuse for not spending more time in prayer before making the choice to become involved with Brandon.  I paid dearly for that choice and I'm sure that my choice was disappointing to the God who gave me the gift of free will yet would never ordain such a relationship.  I'm sure He would have wanted me to wait on His very best for me instead of just accepting what was shiny and fun to play with.

But the rest of it...how Brandon searched for me, pursued me, set up camp in my sweet little life, planned a future with me, then, without explanation walked away while tearing down every good thing that ever existed between us ... I'll never understand that.  I wonder what kind of person can do something so despicable to another human and not be remorseful at some point.  You might be wondering why I didn't exit sooner and that's certainly a logical question.  At the time I thought I was fighting for us and for our future.  Brandon's behavior after the break-up (interesting that he never referred to it that way, don't you think?) was so out of character for him and the opposite of what I'd experienced when we were together.  None of it made any sense at all and I didn't realize that I was seeing the real Brandon coming out.

At the beginning of this process I had to sort through so much and it was absolutely agonizing and exhausting.  There was grief over the betrayal and loss of someone I missed and loved deeply, despair over the disintegration of my future, sadness from being robbed of the hobbies and pastimes I used to enjoy because of the memories of Brandon that were attached to those things, and shame over putting the most precious and fragile part of who I am in the hands of a man that had so little regard for me that he would never be able to appreciate its value.  And to add insult to injury, as I put salve on each of my wounds one by one, a new wound appeared in the form of another woman.  Or women.  Phhht, who knows.  Had it not been for my faith, my counselor and pastors, and a few friends and family members that comforted, counseled and encouraged me, I don't know that I could have survived.   I recall having a conversation with a friend of mine who was sorry for my experience, telling me about an acquaintance who suffered through a similar situation with a man.  He described how 10 years later this woman is barely able to function and that the experience has essentially destroyed her.  It's frightening to think about and I'm abundantly thankful for God's protection and all of my friends and family members who took care of me over the last year.

My healing process is winding down and things are getting back to normal, but I'm left to wrestle with God over a few things.  As the Brandon chapter of my life ended, I had a strong desire to see God in the situation.  For better or worse, God created me with an overwhelming desire for justice and a desire to see the logic in things.  Those are good things, but if I'm being honest, I haven't been thankful for them in this instance.  My need for logic led me to dig for answers to questions that weren't meant to be answered and my need to see justice teased and tormented me, delaying my healing and robbing me of my joy.  I wish I had a miraculous and astounding  testimony of God's divine provision of answers and justice in this situation, but I don't.  It is likely that within my lifetime, the questions will be left unanswered, it will never make sense, I will never get an apology and knowledge of justice served will be withheld from me.  Truthfully, those things hardly matter much any more (awesome!).  But I do have some basic Biblical truths to apply to the situation and however insufficient they are to stroking my ego, they are providing me with comfort and reassurance as the wounds completely heal and I move forward.  Ultimately, this story I'm telling you is less about me and more about God and how He works in our lives.

1.  God is God, He is always good and He is in the center of everything good.
2.  God can redeem any situation that we mess up if we submit to Him.
3.  God restores dignity.
4.  God is faithful and trustworthy.
5.  I am obligated to forgive others because God has forgiven me.
6.  God loves me so much more than I'm able to comprehend.
7.  God's primary goal is to make us more holy and will sometimes allow horrible circumstances that are a result of a fallen world to achieve that goal.
8.  One of the most graceful things that God can do for a person is to allow him/her to suffer the consequences of his/her poor choices.  If He doesn't let you suffer consequences He might just be leaving you be, to live for yourself according to your will and your desires.  That can't be good.
9.  God hates pride.
10.  God is a God of justice.
11.  I'll be on vacation beginning this Friday for 11 whole days

OK, that last one isn't a Biblical truth, but it sure is something I'm looking forward to.  In all seriousness though, I've come to the conclusion that sometimes we just get the short end of the stick and we don't get the explanations we seek.  But I'm secure in my faith and know for a fact that God wants every good thing for me so I'm just going to choose to trust Him.  And I'm really happy to tell you that I'm finally at the point where I'm able to enjoy my pastimes again and I'm hopeful about what God has in store for me next.  Lastly, I'm just really thankful that God gave me the good sense to take the high road in the way that I dealt with Brandon.  I never did anything crazy and was charitable and dignified in dealing with him, despite the way he treated me.  I think a less grounded woman might have...oh, I dunno...showed up at his house, knocked on his door, punched him in his throat when he answered, kicked him in the cajones and spray painted the word "LIAR" in big pink letters on his black Sequoia.   I have no idea where that thought came from.

I suppose the most I can hope for is that in some way, at some point in time, Brandon saw a glimpse of Christ-likeness during the time he spent with me.  Maybe one day he'll fully comprehend the weight of his actions, maybe not.  God will work out the details of how he wants to deal with Brandon.  One way or another, in this life or the next, I absolutely know that He will.

Thanks for reading.  That was a long one but it was really important for me to tell you my story.  I know I made some mistakes along the way but I'm just going to go ahead and accept God's grace for those mistakes.  Feel free to share it because I'd be pleased if it helped someone who is suffering through a similar situation.  But I promise that my next post will be more lighthearted and entertaining.  I'll talk about food or travel or even better, adventures in dating at 50. 

Stay tuned!  

By the way, I'm off to Indio, California in a week for the Coachella festival...so excited.  Here's me, chumming it up with a gigantic bamboo grasshopper at last years festival. 

Friends Indeed

Man, do I ever have a roster full of beautiful, talented, funny, intelligent and gifted friends.

When you're 50 and single, as in the never-married variety, it's really easy to let societal ideology convince you that you're inadequate or that something is wrong with you because you haven't found your "better half."  I pretty much bought into that flawed line of reasoning up until recently and I'd like to explain how I started to see things in a new (and proper) light.

First, I want to be clear about my thoughts on marriage.  I believe that marriage is a beautiful and sacred institution that should be celebrated and honored.  And despite my ex boyfriend telling me that at 50, my relationship/marriage potential has a shelf life (yeah, he's a real peach of a guy), I see myself being married one day.  My therapist thinks so and she's almost always right, so I'll just go with that.

In the mean time, however, I plan to take advantage of my singleness while I'm still fortunate enough to have it.  I have opportunities that married people do not.  Beyond financial constraints, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want with whomever I want without having to check with my husband first.  I can spend my money in any way that I choose and if the travel bug inflicts me, I can pack a bag on Thursday and take off for London for a long weekend on Friday.  I can indulge my cooking, entertaining, dining, flirting, shopping, music and movie fancies at any time.  On its own, that's a pretty sweet gig and I know that some people would kill for that privilege and that freedom, so I consider myself fortunate to have it.

But for me, being single is about more than just having the freedom to cater to my whims.  For one, I have an opportunity to spend time cultivating healthy and edifying friendships with both men and women.  This is so important to me because at 50, I see how all my friendships have influenced me and shaped me into the woman I am today, and I really like that woman.  Arriving at that place came at a cost, but there's not much I'd change, particularly when it comes to my friendships. 

Recently, I got to spend a glorious weekend in Chicago with three girlfriends from high school, Jane, Carmen and Karla.  It's been 30 years since we strutted the halls of Maquoketa Valley High School every day with each other, but those women are still young, vibrant and beautiful to me.  We ate and drank and giggled like teenagers, except this time it wasn't over boys.  Full and tipsy, we laughed (guffawed, more like) over weight gain, the 50s forgetfulness phenomenon, family drama and men, or the lack thereof.  I love those women and although I don't get to see them very often, I can't help but mentally refer to them when I'm planning a party, choosing coffee or making decisions about family matters.  Oh yes, they're an influence.

The other day, someone was teasing me about having 672 Facebook friends, insinuating that many of those people aren't really friends.  My insecurity and twisted need for approval got the best of me, so I took it as a challenge to prove this person wrong.  I went down my list of friends from A-Z and surprisingly, I found that I want to stay connected to almost all of them.  I have American Express friends, Atkins Park friends, Woodruff Arts Center friends, Trinity Anglican Mission friends, Bad Brains friends, Jefferson Park friends, and Delta Global Staffing friends.  My friends are chefs, musicians, artists, builders, cheerleaders, entrepreneurs, 9 to 5'ers, Christians, photographers, teachers, lawyers, parents, baristas, doctors, students, Jamaicans, Marines, Republicans, Democrats, gay, straight, black, white, husbands, wives and singles like me.  And those labels don't even begin to describe what's important about them.

So what is meaningful about them?  Obviously, I don't have the same connection or share the same level of intimacy with each of these people, but each and every one of them has influenced me in some way.  I value those friends because, they ARE me.  God gave me my identity but all of these people make me think and help me shape my ideas, form my opinions, and steer my interests.  I recently saw a quote on Pinterest that said, "You were born an original so don't die a copy."  Whatever.  There's not a person on earth who's completely original and I'm quite OK with that.  I'm a product of every person I've ever known.  I think that if we all spent less time trying to be original and more time building meaningful relationships with a medley of people, we'd be much more fulfilled.  We'd certainly learn more, be more compassionate and gain the vision to see things from a different perspective.  I don't worry about dying a copy.  I just don't want to die with a closed mind.

At this point, the question becomes, "What am I going to do with all of this experience?"  This is where the gift of singleness becomes relevant and is the reason I'm thankful for my singleness, be it temporary or not.  I have a unique opportunity to serve God without the distractions of a husband or children.  I hope you're not picturing Mother Teresa because I'm certainly not qualified to serve in that way.  But I think that God is using every relationship (good and bad) as preparation to serve.  God has given me friendships with couples who are thriving in their marriages and fellowship with them has shown me what healthy looks like.  Through the process of grieving over my own loss, my capacity to listen and be compassionate has increased tremendously over the last couple years.  So if I had to guess, I would say that I'm expected to serve by way of listening, guiding, consoling, helping and counseling others, particularly those that are struggling with being single.  I wouldn't have said this a year ago, but I am abundantly thankful for that privilege today.

If you're reading this, you're likely one of my friends so I'm going to use this opportunity to thank you for being just that.  You all did such a good job raising me!

A Brief History

When I was younger, I thought about being 50 and what my life would look like.  I saw a loving husband, adult children and even a grandchild or four.  I pictured a lovely home, possibly on a lake, and a comfortable way of life.  I envisioned family reunions, practical shoes, photo albums, a squeaky door, a labrador retriever, early to bed and early to rise, routine and stability.

As if.

I have a lovely home, or rather, it's lovely to me, but nothing else about that picture I just painted exists in my life.  Thirty years ago, I never could have imagined the life that found me or the life I've lived for the past 3 decades.  I grew up in a town of 800 people in Iowa and at 23, I set off for my adventure.  Adventure?  I'll say.  Along the way, I've experienced a full share of tragedy, gut-wrenching heartache, loss and betrayal and watched my family members suffer in addiction, divorce, poverty, abuse and a devastating hereditary disease. 

It's been overwhelming at times and I've wanted to throw in the towel more than once.  Not in a suicide kind of way but in a "I'm just gonna lock myself in the house and eat Ben & Jerry's with a side of Cheetos while chain smoking and listening to Adele" kind of way.  I did that for a few nights, but it got old quickly and I eventually had to leave the house to buy more Cheetos.

I didn't really lose my mind.  I was just shooting for dramatic effect when I came up with the title to my blog so I could get your attention because if you decide to follow it, I think you'll be delightfully entertained at the very least.  My hope is that as you read my story, you'll also identify with some of my thoughts, relate to some of the choices I've made surrounding my circumstances and be comforted by hearing it as it parallels your own story. 

Just to be clear, this isn't a blog about agony, pain and suffering.  You'll get a bit of that when I tell you about some of the no-good, lying, manipulative douche bags I've fallen for that I'm totally not bitter over (really, I swear!).  You'll read about other unfair and just plain kooky made for TV episodes of sheer nonsense, but the point of all of it is to show you that life is still good.  God is always good even when things don't make any damn sense at all.  Crummy circumstances and joy are not mutually exclusive, I have found, and there's almost always a lesson to be learned or a blessing to enjoy amidst the turmoil.  ...a silver lining, if you will.  You'll read about the silver linings, my exquisite taste in music and movies, my fantastic job, my adoring pit bulls Henry and Ruby, how I dominate in the kitchen, my travels and all of my neighborhood's debauchery. 

I know that I'm an extremely fortunate lady and my story is one of hope and victory, redemption and restoration.  I want you to hear about all of it because I think we're in this together. 

Stay tuned...